When you want more (I) - Funmi Akingbade

Funmi Akingbade

I still can’t understand why married couples keep on resisting the desire for erotic sensual sexual pleasure and experiences with their spouses. They are sexually active but they are not deriving much pleasure from the activities. They are not very sure whether those pleasures or actions are right or wrong.

For instance, many husbands are still not very comfortable with the idea of sucking or caressing their wives’ clitoris; they come up with loads of excuses. Many wives are also not very comfortable with many of their husbands’ fantasies and demands. So, most times even after long sexual intercourse, many spouses are still left with wanting more like Oliver Twist. Behind their hesitation lies the fear that wanting more sex, better sex, or different sex and most times partner with stronger sex drives is abnormal. Certainly, things are changing. A recent research has shown that women are just as easily aroused and can have sex drives as strong as men and can expect some weird sexual needs.

For those who grew up in a purity culture, sexual desire can feel confusing. I have counselled many men and women who waited for marriage to have sex and then felt frustrated and guilty for their lack of sexual desire or enjoyment in the marriage. They thought waiting for marriage would lead to better sex, but instead felt like they were being punished for doing the right thing. Sexuality is not about getting something for oneself (such as pleasure or orgasm), but about giving one’s whole being to another.

One reason for this is that many couples often associate bodily pleasure, such as enjoying a rich piece of chocolate, with danger and guilt, and thus fear what their bodies want. This type of fear is also being transferred over to the sexual realm, leading such couples to denial of their longings, satisfactions and pleasure. And each time I am privileged to talk with couples, I let them know that these challenges are not easily overcome. Intentionally embracing sexual desire is a critical investment in marital health.

This awareness is particularly useful for couples who have obvious age gap between them. The understanding of this will assist each partner to sexually please his or her spouse and, of course, help reduce cases of infidelity to the minimum.Another reason is that many couples do not believe that their sex life and style change as lots of things in them. Sometimes, couples find it difficult to comprehend the changes in their sex life. They usually think that something is wrong with them or their spouse. But experts have made it clear that couples’ sex taste buds differ from age to age, and the earlier a spouse is aware of this, the better it is for him or her and the partner.

Couples’ sex drives, libido and taste change with age. For instance, couples within the ages of 20 to 30 years share sexual similarities in taste, preference, flavour, libido and craving while couples within the ages of 32 to 39 have the same sexual favourite, passion, desire and yearning than those within the ages of 45 and above.

The period between 20 and 30, experts say, is the stage where couples have lots and lots of great sexual chemistry at their disposal. It is the stage where both partners fall madly in love and constantly produce high levels of dopamine and norepinephrine. These chemicals not only make young couples feel extremely excited, they drive up testosterone– the hormone that fuels the sex drive of men as well as women–to the highest height. Besides, time is on the side of this category of couples. For young couples who have no children, mornings and evenings are blissfully theirs for romantic romps. What’s more, they are at the beginning of their sexual career and they have a long way to go.

This is the stage where more than often you hear the man complain of premature ejaculation, because with all the sexual tension between the couple, the man sometimes gets so excited that he ejaculates too quickly. Or since both of them are so young, the man may not yet know how to climax every time. And this is the stage they skip foreplay or see it as torture. Nevertheless, this is the time they could really get to know each other’s body and to figure out their likes or dislikes. The couple should see this as an opportunity to create their own sexual template. Actually, for this age group, this is the time to try it all and talk about what both of them are trying out.

Sometimes, couples are clueless about what to say at this point to really heat sex up. You have to tell each other what you want. But for many young couples at this stage, talking about sex may sometimes be embarrassing. This can be especially true of women who may not realise that giving their partner some sexy instructions in bed is likely to turn them on.

To get comfortable with the kind of talk that drives men into action, a wife can try this slightly ridiculous game. This game lets you reveal where and how you want to be touched (as well as find out his hot spots) without saying a word. Just tell him you want to practise his favourite move but that he has to physically tell you what it is. Sit naked in the middle of the bed, facing each other. Lock eyes with him and fantasise about what you’d like him to do to you while he concentrates on what he wants you to do to him. As if that aren’t fun enough, try to read each other’s mind. After a few minutes, share your thoughts. By now you should both be hot enough to say anything and be ready to go ‘gaga.’

Questions and answers

I love sex but my vagina is the problem

Funmi, I love sex but each time after sex, I land either in the toilet or nearby chemist store because of constant irritation from the effect of sex. So, what can I do?

Caroline Koiver

Itching or irritation anywhere on the body can cause discomfort. But when it occurs in an area as sensitive as the vagina and vulva (the labia, clitoris, and vaginal opening), it can be especially uncomfortable. Most genital itching and irritation isn’t a major concern. But because this can be symptom of an infection, it’s always a good idea to discover the underlining cause and treat it once and for all. I would rather suggest you get a high vaginal swab done rather than going to a nearby chemist.

There are several common causes of vaginal itching, burning, and irritation, including:Bacterial vaginosis . It’s normal to have a healthy mix of bacteria in the vagina. But the wrong bacteria growing there can lead to an infection. Besides itching, other symptoms that come with bacterial vaginosis are inflammation, burning, discharge, and a fishy-smelling odour.

Yeast infection can also be a major cause  (vaginal candidiasis). About three out of every four women will develop a yeast infection at some point in their lives. Yeast infections occur when the yeast, candida, grow excessively in the vagina and vulva. Pregnancy, intercourse, antibiotics, and a weakened immune system can all make women more likely to get a yeast infection. In addition to itching and irritation, a yeast infection will produce a thick, white, cheesy discharge. Menopause can be one reason, the drop in estrogen production that occurs at the end of a woman’s reproductive years can cause the vaginal walls to thin and dry out. This can lead to itching and irritation. Thinning of the vaginal walls is also a problem in some women who breastfeed.

Are you used to the use of some chemicals, causing chemical irritants? Several chemical substances, including creams, douches, condoms, contraceptive foams, laundry detergents, soaps, scented toilet paper, and fabric softeners can irritate the vagina and vulva. Lichen sclerosis is a rare condition that causes thin white patches to form on the skin, especially around the vulva. The patches can permanently scar the vaginal area. Postmenopausal women are most likely to develop this condition. Vaginal irritation will often get better on its own if you do the following: avoid scented pads or toilet paper, creams, bubble bath, feminine sprays, and douches. Use water and a plain, unscented soap to regularly clean your external genital area. But don’t wash more than once a day. Doing so can increase dryness. Always wipe from front to back after having a bowel movement. Wear cotton panties (no synthetic fabrics), and change your underwear every day. Do not douche. Change the diapers of infant girls regularly. Use condoms during sexual intercourse to prevent sexually transmitted diseases. If you are experiencing vaginal dryness, use a vaginal moisturiser. Apply a water-based before having sex. Avoid sexual intercourse until your symptoms improve. Don’t scratch — you can further irritate the area

 My hair falls off immediately after sex

For sometimes now, I noticed a huge part of my hair falls off each time I have sex. Initially, I never thought about it but when it became obvious, I started taking note. Is this normal or am I hallucinating?

Aminatu Wuraola Gbennvo

This is actually a rare case of Telogen Effluvium where hair falls off due to one reason or the other. It is actually a shock to your system, sometimes it could be as a result of sex, or surgery, vaccinations, giving birth, some medications, crash diets, severe stress, thyroid problems. The effect is that these cases can push hair into its resting mood, or telogen, state. About two months later, you may see hair falling out and thinning, a condition called telogen effluvium, sometimes described as hair “coming out in handfuls.” In most cases, new hair starts growing right away. Except you lose too much that is obviously noted, I think you should not bother yourself. Instead, take more of fruits and vegetables especially cauliflower, ewedu, potassium [kaon] broccoli, sent leaves and carrots. They will help grow the hair follicle back.

 My three-month-old baby boy is always hard on

I am worried to my bones because I notice that my three-month-old baby boy always has strong erection; is this okay?

Worried first time mother

Please calm down and do not get yourself worked up, it often happens just before they pee. (Consider it as your warning to take cover during a diaper change!) I don’t know exactly why, but it’s nothing to be worried or ashamed about. You might even see one on an ultrasound, before he’s born. Besides this, please note also that his penis may look large at birth, that’s normal, too. His hormones and yours play a role as well as bruising and swelling from the birth process. Note also that his first poop will not stink.

The black, tar-like stuff called meconium is made up of mucus, fluid from the womb, and anything else they digested while inside mom. But it doesn’t yet have the gut bacteria that make poop smelly. As soon as you start feeding a baby, bacteria will start colonising their intestines. After a day or so, bowel movements become green, yellow, or brown — with that familiar odour. And sometimes also infants stop breathing, likely when they’re sleeping, they may pause without a breath for five to 10 seconds — just enough time to make a new mom or dad panic. Irregular breathing is normal. (But if your baby stops breathing for a longer time or changes colour, it’s a medical emergency.) When babies are excited or after crying, they may take more than 60 breaths in a minute. I need you to also know that his tonsils have taste buds, although a baby has about the same number of taste sensors as kids and younger adults, they cover more areas, including the tonsils and the back of the throat. A newborn can taste sweet, bitter, and sour, but not salty (until around five months). It’s a matter of survival: Breast milk is sweet, while bitter and sour may be harmful. When they start on solid food, they’ll tend to like the same things mom ate while pregnant and breastfeeding, so eat more of natural sweet things. He may cry without tears, at first.

Babies start crying around two-three weeks, but tears don’t show up until they’re about a month old. Late afternoon and early evening are prime fussing time. Often, it’s for no reason, and nothing you do will help. Peak crying is around 46 weeks after gestation, or age 6-8 weeks for full-term babies. After three months, the storm has usually passed. (Preemies tend to be older, since they were born early.) Lastly, don’t be alarmed when you see him with breast. Newborns have breasts, when they’re first born, both boys and girls can look like they have small breasts. These may even leak milk! Don’t squeeze the firm little lumps though. They form because babies absorb estrogen from mom, and they’ll usually go away within a few weeks. Baby girls could also have a mini period that lasts a few days.